Pain can be beautiful. I found myself praying to God last night, asking him to make my heart grateful. And I found this overwhelming thankfulness for having experienced my depression a few years ago. Because from that time of darkness I experienced the most incredible healing of my entire life.
To go from such an immense darkness, to now just a brilliant light from love and joy and peace and grace in my life is truly only the work of God. To go from wanting to die, to wanting to live a life only to spread God’s kingdom on earth-having that as my only dream, it’s a miracle from my God. And I’m so grateful for it. I’m so grateful that God has transformed my life and my soul in such an unimaginable way.
I used to feel robbed. I used to feel unsatisfied that I had to go through a depression and also that my mom had to endure so much hardship throughout her life. But as I prayed God filled me with thanks. I was thanking God for my depression. I was thanking God for all my mom had to go through. Because with that, with our survival, God showed himself. And he is big. He was bigger than everything. And his love for us is amazing and awe-inspiring.
God uses our hardship for his good. I knew that before. I understood it. But for the first time I saw that truth unfold in my life and I really just felt it. I felt God’s glory in my darkness shine.
I am just so happy now. And it fills me with so much joy and pride in Jesus to say that. I am so happy. I am filled with the joy of God. I cry from tears of joy now. I just can’t believe how far he’s taken me. From kneeling on the ground in darkness with Jesus’ arms wrapped around me to now, being overwhelmed with just pure joy. God is amazing.
God is kind. He is so kind to us. Our pain, he uses as a blessing. And I have received so much undeserved grace from him. Blessings in my life, in my career, with my new church, with friendships, he gives it all to us. And he even tells me to ask for more, bigger, and better things. How can this be? How can we serve a God this great and loving towards us? That is the character of the God we serve.
Our God redeems our pain. He is a redeemer. I failed so miserably the first time I moved to Dallas. But it was all part of God’s plan for my life, yet again. This second time around God has redeemed all of my past failures so much more extravagantly than I could have imagined. This is our God, my God the redeemer.
I’m just overcome with joy right now. I had to share it. Also, to go from making my own dreams my idols, to God filling me with just one singular dream to serve him with my entire life is amazing. That’s not me. That’s the miracle and work of God. He does all of it. He does all of the work for us. He transforms our lives to reveal his greatness and his glory to the world. He is all-knowing and he loves us deeply.
I think the best thing now is just to love God deeply as well, and give thanks. So thank you God. Thank you for all of it. Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the healing. And thank you for being sovereign in your plan for my life, to glorify your name. I love you God.
May your kingdom reign here, and may you use me to expand it all across the earth. I will worship you with all of my life until I know, I will see you and be with you for all of eternity. I know it and I believe. I know you are real because of this love I feel that is not of this world. No human thing can do what you’ve done with my life. Abba, father I praise you.