I’ve written a lot about my experience with depression on this blog. But I don’t think I have really delved into the topic of what happens afterwards. After the healing, after the sting of pain subsides, and the scars fade, what’s next?
I’d love to say that everything is wonderful after depression. I’d love to say that every day is joyful and that depression no longer has a hold on me. But that would be a lie.
Life after depression is rocky. There are setbacks and sometimes I still feel depression tugging at me as if it has a rope tied on my heart and is trying to pull me back every now and again. On the worst days I see myself carefully stepping around the pitfalls scattered all around and before me, avoiding falling into the despair that can take over you.
But on the best days I feel strong. I feel victorious. But those days are rare. Not that happiness and joy are rare, but days without the fear and whisper of sadness that seems to have now been written permanently in my soul are rare.
When you go through depression, you now have this broadened propensity for sadness. So now it takes greater will power and strength not to slide back in that direction. Sometimes it feels like a never ending battle.
Sometimes for a few days on end I feel stuck under a cloud, a daze that I can’t get out of. You feel like you’re floating, but not in a la-di-da way, but in an unsettling way that feels out of your control.
Some days you want to forget it all happened. Other days you embrace it. At times you feel stronger that it happened. At other times you feel weak that you can’t seem to shake it off completely. There is a depth in you after depression, that causes an enormous risk.
But there is also beauty that arises after healing. Compassion, an enormous blessing that happens when you experience pain and rise from it. Thankfulness that you have survived it all. The sweetness of joy you never tasted before. A closeness to God, a closeness to loved ones. Maybe even a greater sense of purpose.
I am not sure what I am trying to say with this post. I just wanted to be honest. I may have “beat” depression but at times it feels like depression doesn’t ever leave you completely. You still have the memories. You are changed afterwards.
There is a freedom but at times there is still a fear. It’s as unsteady as a volcano. But healing is as nourishing as growing wings.
Life after depression is unsteady and uncertain. Picking up the pieces of yourself after being broken, and putting it back together is not an easy process. You can feel worn. Tired. Defeated.
But then you keep going. Sometimes your heart feels warmth and your soul creates like it never could before. And you keep on choosing to wake up from darkness. Sometimes you get lost in the shadows. But then you find your way again.
Life after depression? It’s hard. It’s difficult. It’s an arduous journey. Sometimes you ask yourself if it was worth it. Some times you force yourself to trust in a bigger plan. And you keep going.
Unfortunately, I can not provide a definitive yes or no to if you can ever live a life afterwards without the word depression written in permanent ink on your mind’s vocabulary. It’s like looking out of a window, but in the corner there is a faint stain that looks blurry when you look through it.
But I do believe that those who have been through the worst can better survive the never ending trials of life. And I do believe that there is a wisdom that comes from those who have endured sever hardship. And I also believe that one day, there will be a time where God wipes away every tear from our eyes. And heaven is a place without sadness, only joy. That is my truth. That is my power. And that is my hope.
Thanks for reading. Until next time!