If I wrote a book about my life starting now, the title would be “Post Grad Life,” and the subtitle would be “Learning to Be Patient.” I am the most impatient person I know. I eat microwave food that’s not fully cooked because I can’t wait four whole minutes. I don’t shower every day because it takes too long. And I get restless when my appetizers don’t come immediately after I order in a restaurant. Safe to say that I am very, very impatient.
Now, that is a bit of a problem when it comes to post grad life, unemployment, and waiting for a job. When my greatest impatience of waiting during rush hour in Austin escalates into a four month “break.” Some days I wake up and I tell myself I’m a failure. Some nights I go to bed tossing and turning, literally moaning out loud because of the impatience I feel towards my life that is now stuck in a stand still. For what feels like so long I’ve felt like I’m on pause, not moving anywhere while I have this well inside of me full of potential that I just want to explode.
I’ve been trying to grasp why it is that I have grown so much in impatience lately, or why all of a sudden it has flooded over everything. And I’ve realized that I’ve encountered so much grace and provision in my life that I never really had to work hard for very many things. I’m the youngest of three so I never had much responsibility growing up. I was also pretty spoiled. Yes, there were hardships but the bulk of that fell on my Mom. In middle school, I could get straight A’s without blinking an eye. In high school, I never had motivation to try hard or do well to the extreme. Thankfully, I never grew up with typical overbearing “Asian Parents.” I did however fall in love with writing during high school which led to getting awarded a few scholarships which leads into University. My freshmen year was a cinch academically. Even though my transfer to a bigger university was very difficult emotionally and socially, I never truly struggled academically and could get by studying for exams the night before. I also got offered part time jobs regularly which I bounced around to and fro every semester. I never had to worry about tuition since most of my financial aid, grants, and scholarships covered it all.
I’m not giving you an easy life story to impress you. Of course, there are always hard seasons but through the grace of God and his provision I graduated college in three and a half years. It is because of his overwhelming grace that I have been so easily coasting through life without the necessity of extreme patience or hard work ethic. Now, I’m not blaming God either. Because I feel like now God has given me the chance to finally learn patience. And it is hard. Very very hard.
I’ve never had to wait for so long for something I so badly desired. Because I have been so blessed in life I’ve never encountered this type of battle before, this battle of waiting. It is during this deafening silence where I am beginning to learn who I am, a very impatient person who has take much of my grace and blessings for granted.
It’s a roller coaster of emotion. Some days I try to make the most of and others not. Some days I try to be social some weeks I stay in my room all day. But amidst it all is the voice in my head reminding me-“Hey! Remember you still don’t have a job! You still don’t have a career!” Two nights ago, when this voice was especially loud and I was again tossing and turning, whining on my bed I felt God speak to me. Psalm 31. Here are the verses that stood out to me.
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hands.
How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for
those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
Immediately after reading this I felt a huge weight lifted from me. It was amazing. All of the stress, anxiety, and worry I had been feeling for months was gone in an instant. I could feel God telling me, “I have plans for you.” I think this is what it means to trust. That in spite of all of the reality and blatantly terrifying facts in front of you, you still feel peace because you are trusting that God is who he says he is and he’s got your back.
If impatience is my disease, then trust is my antidote. Rather than feel joy deplete from my body, from now on I am choosing to trust that life will work itself out. Trusting in God and trying to be filled with hope on your own is incredibly hard. But when I felt like God was blessing me with trust it was so easy. I didn’t have to do anything. It just happened.
Hopefully, I will get a job soon, or something-anything that will put me on a track towards a job and a career closer to fulfilling my dreams. But until then I will trust. Because in the least, that’s a lot better than sleepless nights and depressed mornings.
I hope you enjoyed my little life update. I really enjoy this Post Grad series. Let me know what you’d like to read about next in the comments!